Let Loose and Switch That Shh...

It's so sad.

I KNOW the person I want to be, but I can't because I'm living for other people.

Living for them, living by them, living through them, living around them, living to please them.

I need to understand just how to live without them.

I'm craving the hipster lifestyle. The Ijustdontgiveaf*ck wear whatever you feel like with no particular matching scheme, hippie, learning and living off the beaten path, the underdog, far from mainstream in terms of music, talented beyond academics, raw photography, dance, write, sing, mosh, tastefully and non-sexually oriented-ly wasted, not wasting time to explore things around me, do things different, look like a weirdo, be cultured and know things outside of the majority, be the minority again, just chill in a room with a bunch of people and not grind, kiss, touch, fuck, or play a game of truth or dare that will eventually encourage me to do those things, just LIVE BEING JUDGED BUT NOT GIVING A FUCK.

Pardon my foreign language, but that's what I feel. That's what I want. But I can't because I'm not surrounded by a circle thats "down" with that sort of thing. Living in a sea of sameness that is my school. Trying hard just to outshine and outdo, when really that is the means of fitting in.

Times like this make me miss being in New York. Where the non-carers thrive abundantly. The only melting pot I know in this damn country.

Already decided that my ass and somebody else's ass is getting an apartment in the city. Village, Soho, or maybe downtown BK if I have to. I just NEED a change of company and of scenery.

That's just how I see it.

~Stassi X.

Smile=Smile.

And then things like this make me happy...



Yuri Pleskun.

The "thug-type" boy I went to school with turned out to be an A-list male model... that smiles. Made my day.

Transitioning into Hippieness...

That's about to be the movement. I feel like I need to calm my spirit. I know the hippies were spiritually calm. I need to be on that level. I'm not about to start doing drugs and running around without any undergarments on, but I'm getting to that state of mind. Blame the hair, I'm halfway there =)... ooh, expect a poem coming soon from that line!

But on the negative side, I think I've lost my little sister. She has become a product of juvenile delinquency, defiance, and rebellion. She lashed out on us, and I don't know what to do with her anymore. Except pray. I had to cry, because I fear for her. Just prayer is all I can do.

The World is on Some Bull-shhh.

The world is retarded.

It only sees in black and white.

Gray is such a neglected color.

Why don't people believe in middle ground? Why does everything have to be in terms of extremes? Why do I have to be extremely religious, or just wrong? Why do I have to be afro-centric-just-looking-to-fight-the-power just because I don't have a perm anymore? Why do I have to be decided in my life career choices from now? Why do I have to be lighter/caramel skinned, with almond eyes, plump lips, wavy/curly/NOT NAPPY hair, coke bottle waist, and "fat ass" for a guy to be like damn she bad? Why do I need to at least have ONE of the above to get anyone to turn their head? Why do I have to be a part of hazed organizations (and I'm actually not talking about sororities) to be socially recognized? Why do you have to be a budding socialite to attend my university? Why can't you advance to a socialite if you didn't start trying (aka being thirsty) since freshman year? Why is it that if you don't have alot of guy friends, you don't have ANY guy friends?

I'm tired of this all or nothing, ultimatum world that I have the misfortune of being birthed into. I seriously wish I was surrounded by hippies. I'd be the happiest ball of brown fluff walking down Georgia Avenue.

Just had to get that out of my system as I sulk and wish my life were different. I hate feeling that'd I'd ever want to be someone else sometimes. I don't like having to be compared to the people around me and know I don't and won't fit into the awesome category and there's not much else I can do about it. I think about my options: I could submerge myself in work, charity, grinding, and hustling to make something bigger than myself (which may come with no inner satisfaction), say fuck it, to hell with it, and have the most fun and leave everything as an open choice, orrrrrrrr sit here and blog about how I don't like any of those options.

See what I mean? The gray area gets no fucking love.

Please excuse my French.

`Stassi X.