i lost the battle, i couldn't fight the tears.

i cried.

yesterday i turned 20.
the day after, i cried.

i didn't cry because i was sad about getting older.
i didn't cry because i have to start acting my age.
i didn't cry because of the horrific dream a plane falling out of the sky i had on the eve of that birthday.

i cried because on that day, i realized i'd lost something i was really passionate about and couldnt even show for it.
i cried because i made a promise to myself that i would make it through but i wasn't even granted the chance to prove myself worthy.
i cried because optimism is fading and reality is setting in.
i cried because my dreams are now so many of my friends' realities.
i cried because i am happy for them.
i cried because i am envious of them.
i cried because i was prepared. i was ready. and for once, i was confident.
i cried because i think i actually found my place in the grand scheme of things, and what i thought i wanted so badly, i don't want as badly as i want this.
i cried because my friends and i had such high expectations and hopes for me, and it was snatched from me.
i cried because i made bonds, but i'll never get to the real bond.
i cried because i saw myself there, and i'm scared God might not, as people keep telling me "everything happens for a reason."
i cry because i am totally clueless as to why not.
i cried because even on the night where EVERYTHING was about me, all i could see in the back of my mind was them.
i cried because i was helpless, and the only thing left to do was cry.


so i cry.